HEY! HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK, OR HAVE YOU SEEN ARIANA GRANDE’S MUSIC VIDEO FOR “THANK U, NEXT”?! WE ARE OBVIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH IT (AND WITH THE WHOLE IDEA BEHIND “THANK U, NEXT”), IN PART BECAUSE IT REFERENCES SOME OF OUR FAVORITE FUCKING MOVIES OF ALL TIME. WE WERE SO FUCKING EXCITED TO GET TO SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH THESE MOVIES FUCKING GET IT!!!!! AND ABOUT MISOGYNY!!! AND FEMININITY!! AND POPULAR FUCKING CULTURE!!!! SO THANK U, ARIANA GRANDE, FOR THE IDEA. NEXT!
SCARY ASS WITCHES
AH!!!! WE GOT SCARED BY THESE SCARY-ASS WITCHES. JUST KIDDING - WE THINK THEY FUCKING GET IT!! WE WERE STOKED TO GET TO SCREAM ABOUT WITCHCRAFT AND BADASS LADIES WHO ARE MYSTICAL AND MAGICAL AND FUCKING POWERFUL. WE DON’T FEEL MYSTICAL AT ALL BUT WE CAN LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH THESE LADIES. AS LONG AS WE DON’T HAVE TO SEE ANY GHOSTS, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE US FUCKING SHATTER. PLEASE DON’T HAUNT US!! ANYWAY, THANKS SCARY-ASS WITCHES, FOR FUCKING GETTING IT!!!!
FEMALE ATHLETES FUCKING ROCK OUR WORLD
MAGGIE AND HARPER ARE FUCKING NOT!! GOOD AT SPORTS. WE'RE REALLY BAD. LIKE, TRULY TERRIBLE. LIKE, DEFINITELY DON’T PASS THE BALL TO US OR WHATEVER BECAUSE WE DEFINITELY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE A BASKET OR WHATEVER. BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE WE STILL KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE A BAD-ASS SPORTSLADY. THESE FEMALE ATHLETES ARE THE SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTT. JUST TRUST US. OR DON'T, AND LISTEN AND BECOME CONVINCED. THAT'D WORK TOO. SERENA WILLIAMS FUCKING GETS IT! MO'NE DAVIS FUCKING GETS IT! AND MORE.
MOTHEREFFING DIVAS
YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS BUT….
ARETHA FRANKLIN WAS SO. FUCKING. GOOOOOOD!!!!!! WE TALK ABOUT WHY SHE WAS THE ULTIMATE DIVA, AND ALSO WHY DOLLY FUCKING PARTON AND DIANA ROSS SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED, AND IF YOU DON’T WORSHIP THEM, YOU ARE FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL AND WRONG.
FRICKING FIGHTERS!
TODAY MAGGIE & HARPER ARE FRICKING SCREAMING ABOUT SOME BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS WHO ARE REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT FIGHTING!!! NOT, LIKE, NECESSARILY PHYSICALLY FIGHTING -- ALTHOUGH THAT TOO, JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT TO HEAR THIS STORY, IT'S GONNA KNOCK YOUR SOCKS RIGHT OFF. BUT JUST LADIES WHO FRICKING FOUGHT FOR SOME SHIT!! THEY ARE STRONG AS ALL GET OUT. WE NEED MOVIES TO BE MADE ABOUT ALL THESE LADIES, STAT. THEY WOULD BE FASCINATING AND ENTHRALLING AND WOULD BE BLOCKBUSTER HITS. SO IF YOU ARE A MOVIE EXEC OR WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER, HIT US THE FUCK UP. K? K.
DYNAMIC FUCKING DUOS!
TODAY WE TALK ABOUT SOME DYNAMIC!! FUCKING!! DUOS!!!! SOME CUTE COUPLES. SOME PERFECT PAIRS. YOU GET IT, IT'S ALLITERATION. SUSAN B. ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH CADY STANTON FUCKING GET IT (MOSTLY)! THE WACHOWSKI SISTERS FUCKING GET IT! THE TRUNG SISTERS, THOSE SUPER FUCKING BAD-ASS VIETNAMESE WARRIOR-SISTERS FUCKING GET IT A LOT!!!!!!! MAGGIE AND HARPER ARE NOT SUCH A DYNAMIC DUO, WE DECIDED. MORE LIKE JUST A REGULAR DUO. JUST TWO PEOPLE, REALLY. BUT STILL, COME LISTEN TO US SCREAM ABOUT OTHER DUOS! THEY FUCKING GET IT!
DOES BARBIE FUCKING GET IT?
DOES BARBIE (THE DOLL) FUCKING GET IT? WE ARE NOT FUCKING SURE, OKAY!? WHILE BARBIE (THE DOLL) IS NOT ACTUALLY A REAL PERSON (SHE'S A DOLL), WE HOPED TO EXPLORE IN THIS EPISODE SOME OF THE NUANCES FACING THE ENTIRE FUCKING CONCEPT OF FUCKING-GETTING-IT. IF ONE FUCKING GETS IT NOW, BUT DID NOT FUCKING GET IT IN THE PAST, HOW CAN WE DETERMINE IF THEY FUCKING GET IT OVERALL!??! FOR EXAMPLE. BARBIE IS A HOT-ASS BLONDE LADY WHO IS MADE OUT OF PLASTIC, SURE, BUT SHE STILL HAS ATTRIBUTABLE QUALITIES!! DOES SHE FUCKING GET IT?? LISTEN TO MAGGIE AND HARPER DEBATE THIS ISSUE. WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW, OKAY? WE DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING (OR ANYTHING)!!!!!!
HOLY FUCK, FIRST LADIES HAVE IT ROUGH
ON TODAY'S EPISODE, HARPER AND MAGGIE TALK ABOUT WHAT A FUCKING DRAG IT CAN BE TO BE A FIRST LADY. EVEN IN THE FACE OF BEING AN UNPAID SERVANT TO THEIR PRESIDENT HUSBANDS, SOME FIRST LADIES REALLY ROSE FUCKING ABOVE IT AND DID THEIR BEST. HERE ARE SOME FIRST LADIES THAT MADE US LAUGH, CHEER, AND SAY "WOW, YOU FUCKING DID THAT!"